I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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