I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Randomize
