after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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