i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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