separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
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