I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
