possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
