I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
