The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize