I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
