maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
