for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Randomize
