blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
