I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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