Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
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