I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
