So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
