Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
