If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
