I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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