didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
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