She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
