oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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