I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
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