My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
