Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
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