Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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