The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
All the doctor said was why
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Randomize
