Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize