so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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