like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
