you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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