Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
