i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Randomize
