It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
