I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
My life is pants optional.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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