I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Apparently every Tri-Delt knows what I did and I am blacklisted from ever dating anyone in that house.
Well ya you lied, told her you cared, took her virginity and then broke up with her at Christies Toy Box.
I honestly thought the dildo was a nice parting gift.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Randomize
