This is not my ceiling
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Randomize
