I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
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