i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
