Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
