That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
try to milk me bitch
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