My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
