I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
