I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
