One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
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