Don't make out with my wife yet
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
he thought i was a dude.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
We left an ass print on the piano.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
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