i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
