My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Randomize