i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
