from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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