bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
