I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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