I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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