I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
