jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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