Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
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