Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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